!!!!Updates!!!!

Currently listening to: His Cheeseburger- Veggie Tales.

eh hem. It popped up on my shuffle. Don't judge me.

*New* background music: Shut Your Eyes-Snow Patrol.
That's better.


The countdown is on! We have 10 days before we're hitched!

We took my dress to get altered today, and I was extremely happy to see that I'd lost weight. :) Yay for me!

All we really have left is to make some stuff for the day of. I actually really like that I am making a lot for my wedding on my own. I made my hairpiece, my bouquet, I'm altering my flower girl basket and ring bearer pillow and making little fans/programs for the few guests.

So excited! I just can't wait to get going. One other problem is that I really need beachy/vacation clothes, and I don't really have time to get them. Or money, for that matter. But I am trying to do some sewing to catch up and have some cute stuff to wear. When you are sewing by hand, time is of the essence.

Also, Jeff and I are seeing Texas as a place for our future to start. I can go to school for free still, and we have a fantastic opportunity to work with some great people, and a great program. I am not only excited to be developing a definite plan about our life, but also about going back to school! I can't wait! I'm so ready! I really feel like God is taking the reins now that I've stopped struggling against it, and handed them over freely. If there is one thing I want to be able to say, it is that Jeff and I are placing God first. In love, and in hope.

I think that is the biggest thing that is hitting me these days. This fierce feeling of Hope. I am extremely anxious to get started. Researching whenever I think I can get away with it. I'll keep everyone updated!

THIS MOMENT.

Today, I feel like this:

To which I can only think:

When I was living in Texas, I got to know my amazing cousin, Amber. She is one of those beautiful people who are constantly inspiring without meaning to be at all. She is an exceptional actress, and has a voice like a songbird. Amber was in the drama club of her high school at this point in time, and they were working on a One-act play called Shadowbox. In this play, there are several interconnected stories. Every single one involves a person who is terminally ill. They all have to talk to a god-like figure who asks them, and occasionally their family members, how they are feeling about their situation. The focus of the play is on the brevity of life, and how important it is to live for the moment. Which is brought to the forefront by the play's tagline: This moment.
The first time I saw this, I felt my eyes water. And that was in a rehearsal. Can you imagine what I felt like when I finally saw it? I was a mess. Haha, a wreck of emotion. I felt ridiculous, but I felt the crew did a fantastic job of allowing the characters to truly shine through, and get the message across. The play was excellently written(and edited by my wonderfully talented cousin) to highlight what I felt I had not been realizing in my own life. Carpe Diem; seize the day.

I have been fighting my own personal demons from my past for a while now. And often, I will look to anything for comfort.
The bible:
2 Corinthians 5:17..."Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things pass away, behold, all things become new."
Philippians 3:13-14 "No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."

Songs:
"This is how it works, you peer inside yourself; you take the things you like, and try to love the things you took."
"I must go on standing. You can't break that which isn't yours. I must go on standing." (Regina Spektor, both quotes.)

Writers:
"Those who are solely governed by the Past stand like Lot's wife, crystallized in the act of looking backward, and forever incapable of looking before." (Herman Melville)
"Forever is composed of nows." (Emily Dickinson)

And images:





All I can do is live for today. Everything points to enjoying what I am presented with now. God will give me the strength I need to continue living for the moment, and is the only one who can give me the strength to move on. I feel like now is always the time.

Very bored today. I feel like I need to do something. Not enough going on around here. I guess I could finish sewing a dress I've been working on tonight...but I'm really wanting to paint tonight. Oh, if only...if only...Maybe I could just make something with the extra fabric hidden around the house? Maybe.

It's definitely a Regina Spektor type of day. Seriously, no one compares to her. I am almost always in the mood for Regina.

Golden Rule Rediscovered?

My thoughts were sort of similar to this stream of consciousness today:

Does anyone else ever wish they could write an autobiography without having to face the reaction of the general public?--or worse, the people involved in your autobiography?
Like, you should just leave your plethoric life story transcribed in some journal for some inquisitive stranger to pick up and learn from, then quietly leave it for someone else to find? A sort of "pay it forward" life story? Until the general population is aware of your most inconsequential idiosyncrasies?

That way you can explain to them without having to explain to them. No dredging up past issues, just simply hand over a novel at the appropriate time, and say, "Nice to meet you. This is exactly why I am who I am." Sometimes I think it would be easier this way.

For instance, your boss would understand why you really had to miss work that Tuesday, and they should have let you go. Your past flame would understand how they truly made you feel during relationship. Your parents would finally understand your mindset. Your unjustified harsh enemy would see the battles you've already had to fight in your life and back off.

Is there no one who can understand us thoroughly? Someone who knows our intimate story from our perspective, and still wishes to take part in our lives? Someone who knows about that horrifying mistake we made, and is forgiving? Knows about that terrible injustice committed against us, and feels as wronged as we do? Someone who knows how much we have accomplished...would anyone be able to rejoice with us in the comprehensive knowledge of what we had to do to make it here?

Obviously, it only took a few moments for my thoughts to stumble upon an answer. I don't even have to become a divine storyteller, or a slave over a journal day after day. God is a full participant in my life. The past. He was there. The present. He's here. The future. He will be there.

And I began to think, what must the people I interact with be thinking? They are fighting their own battles, falling in love, and needing forgiveness from me. It seems so simple to think about, but this made me stop everything I was doing. I had been feeling lost in a world of those who would never see my perspective. I saw people judging me even though they knew nothing about my life. And yet, I was not forgiving of their judgment, or innocent of judgment myself. How seemingly simple; judge others as you would judge yourself. Admittedly, I've been preaching without practicing.

I'm trying to apply this in life. We'll see how this goes. I'll keep you updated. ;)

Soporific Sequences

Today is so grey.

I feel like staying in bed, with soft music playing in the background, and a cat sleeping next to me. I am so exhausted. I just feel drained.

I've been aching to do something creative with my hands lately. I need some paint. I have started to get stuff ready to play with so many times lately, only to be stopped short. And now, I feel like it might bring me energy. Like in The Yellow Wallpaper, where the narrator hints that she thinks being allowed to do more would help her get better, as opposed to being stuck in one place, I feel like I could benefit from a bit of creative output.

Things I think I would benefit greatly from owning:

A sewing machine.
For sure. I would love to make my own clothes!
Not to mention that it would lessen the cost of my yearly wardrobe additions.
A paint set.
With acrylic and watercolor paints.
In lots of colors! Brushes too.
Vintage ribbons. Vintage metal. Vintage bows.
Lots of them. I mean an obnoxious amount of them.
I want to be swimming in lace doilies and chiffon roses.
Time.
The most pressing, but also,
the easiest to make work.
I'm okay with finding time.



yep.

Lately

So, starting this to keep up with the craziness of life! And to have a place to remember/store all of the nifty things I find hiding around the corners of life.

Jeffrey and I will be married in less than a month! So far, we've been doing a great job of planning our wedding, and resolving any loose ends. I can't wait to be able to just enjoy the day.

Jeff and I also have officially established a sort of five year plan. Which is going to take some fierce researching and crazy determination. But I think we are capable, and we've been praying about it in an effort to find direction. Sometimes I think prayer is just a wonderful time to sit in silence, and allow your thoughts to fall away. Which usually makes it a lot easier to see which ideas are the good ones.

I also came to the realization that for all my talk about "seizing the day" and "going for your wildest dreams", I have yet to do just that. So i am trying to get back to school and make it easier for Jeff and I to function as a couple in a ministry, not as the man with the degree, and his wife. Hardworking or not.

"In 20 years, you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did."-Mark Twain.

I love Mark Twain.